New bike!

Ok. So the mourning period for my stolen Schwinn has at last passed. And though I will always have a special place in my heart for it, it was time to move on. No replacement mind you. This bike, though it gets me from point A and to point B, is not as special to me.
At least not yet.
I am sure at some point I will grow attached to this new ride.. as various fun and adventures are had atop it's saddle.

Welcome home bike. You're sleeping in the garage.. and though it's dark and cold back there. Someday you will be right at home.

Where do I go from here Universe?

Funny. I used to think of myself of some kind of intellectual with balls of steel. I see now how weak I have been. And something happened to me today among all the frightening and powerful anxiety I have been experiencing.. I finally asked for help. Not from any person but from the Universe. And not in a direct way. No it was just a thought, an idea that popped into my head. I then proceeded to take a nice shower and prepared for my trek across Redwood City. As I walked I draped my coat over my shoulder and at a reasonably steady pace made my way down Himmel Ave.
The sun was bright but not blinding. I felt exposed but didn't want to hide. I felt the world around me make sense as it had never previously. It was as if all that mindfulness meditation about living in the moment finally made sense to me. Existing with your surroundings. Not just the "me me me" mantra the we chant to ourselves without even realizing it.
And what if the ego really is my enemy? It cuases me to act impulsively. To desire things that I cannot have. Causes me stress when I don't get what I want. Anxiety. Depression. Somehow I think my psychiatrist won't believe me about all this. But, what if that is all it is?
The ego wants to separate us from ourselves and our surroundings. It is what drives us to do and say things that we can later regret. I have thought about this before but, it never quite stuck until today.
Where do I go from here Universe?
I just have to remember to live in the moment. After that everything will fall into place.

Frustration

I need to spend more time outside. Fuck it. You can use a pen. The laptop is killing you. Your creativity crushed by the offerings of the interwebs. Other people's thoughts take over. Distraction. Leading to procrastination. The death of your spirit. Sacrificed to entertainment. For what? A semi contented life of slavery to fashion and consumerism? Even when I am at my most entertained I feel the dark shadow of guilt wash over my mind every night when I lay down to sleep. Perhaps that explains why I often fall asleep with my laptop in bed beside me. Rocking my uneasy mind to sleep. For a time it works. It is routine. I am happy.
Then, the dreams come back. The nightmare begins and it all comes crashing down like a cliff over the dark sea that is my subconscious. It always has a way of beckoning me back to the stark realities that go ignored or undealt with. And then every night I fall over and over until I can't take it anymore. I reach for the smoke or the bottle to just pacify the cliffs of despair for just a little while. But the more I do the greater that cliff becomes. The sea of darkness grows ever deeper and its tide crashes ever harder against the rocks below. The the moon sets. There is no sun. The stars whir around, setting off total chaos in my universe. The cliff crashes violently into the oblivion. Several days pass. I almost drown. And only from a lack of swimming of which I am totally capable. I give in to the waves of obscurity and emptiness because they are all around me. Blinding me, calling to me. Strangling me. And although it is all too familiar it is a stranger to me. Fleeting and changing with time, becoming more powerful. More dangerous. Gaining on me.
There is a lighthouse though. And now I can see the bobbing boat tethered to the shore. The sun is rising and I can see that I am not far away. I wipe the water from my eyes and I can see blades of grass and small birds on the beach. They chirp and scurry about as they peck at small bugs on the sand. I smile and slowly make my way to the shore.
The shore is warm and welcoming. It holds me in its soft embrace. And I feel the warm light of the sun begin to give me hope again.

Spring

Yesterday I wandered around Redwood City all day with a gentleman friend of mine. It was so lovely to spend so much time outdoors after so many months of hiding under awnings and dashing around in the rain. Flip flops are not the best shoes for walking all over town in but, it felt good to have my toes exposed to the warm heat of the sun.
We walked to the thrift store and rummaged around in the treasures of other people's forgotten junk. I wondered about whether I really needed any more stuff to weigh me down. I've become really good at talking myself out of buying things especially clothes. It must serve a purpose or it's dead weight.
After the hobo-depot*, we ended up checking out some graffiti under the 101 and wandering around in what was some makeshift lodgings for the homeless of Redwood City. I found myself choosing my steps very carefully as I had,  as I mentioned before, chosen to warm my toes in the skimpy protection of sandals. Among the wreckage of the sleeping rough, we found a upside down table and a sign that said "State Property" "no lodging". I wondered to myself if the State actually expected anyone to obey this sign. As if desperate people, citizens of the world if not this country, who were in such a place in their lives that they would consider sleeping under the freeway, were to be expected to somehow respect this request. If these lost persons (persons in the legal sense) weren't the casualties of war or lack of social funding for state mental institutions they were most likely lost to the recession. The economy in shambles, people losing their jobs and their homes due to our society's greed and want of cheap goods have left so many people with out jobs and in the shadows.. what to do? Let's criminalize poverty! That's seems to be the end all solution to all of our problems isn't it? And look how wonderfully it's worked in the war on drugs. Let's criminalize everything and send everyone to prison. That will make for a nice happy society where justice prevails.


*not my word.

Lately

When I first set this blog up I thought I'd really be good at posting everyday and that it'd keep me writing/creating daily and sharing it with others. This has been a tough hurdle for me to overcome and as you can tell by my scarce posting, I have yet to cross that bridge.

Time for tea.

speechless

 To be honest I've been somewhat speechless since Friday. I don't .. I will get back when I have wrapped my brain around this.

sometimes

Sometimes I can't think of anything to say so I just don't say anything at all.
Makes me kind of laugh because I've always been known as a chatty person. People even scoff when they hear me say that I am shy. I'm supposed to be this clown or some kind of jerk that never is meant to be taken seriously. Part of that is my fault. I tend to use humor as a defense mechanism.
I like to isolate. I hide from people even in plain sight. I have my social butterfly persona which allows me to meet and interact with people on a very base level. This is not always apparent to other people as they tend to think that because I am so social I must be this confident outgoing person. In some ways I am but, when you really look at it .. I'm sort of a mime. A mime that talks. Not some sad clown or anything but, I go through the motions and I don't fake interest in other people. No. It's not that. I am interested in you but, in all honesty I am terrified of you knowing who I am.

flu shot

I got a flu shot last night and have felt like total crap ever since.
My head feels empty. Trying to get stuff done when I feel like this seems like an insurmountable task.

dream

Last night I had this very vivid dream that I had traveled to a distant galaxy. I met some interesting beings along the way. I even think Mr. Sulu made an appearance at one point. I don't recall being in an enclosed ship, I was just floating.
I looked down at my watch and realized it was getting close to what time I had to be at work. Somehow I was able to see Earth from where I was. I asked one of traveling companions how long it would take for me to get back to Earth on my own and he said "about 6 years".
Shit. I was screwed.
But, my new friend offered me a ride. In an instant I found myself stuck in traffic on 280 in San Jose. I needed to get to Menlo Park and fast.
I had traveled millions of light years in an instant only to be foiled by the morning commute.

sunburnt nipples*

What is it about female nipples that make them “obscene”? Objectively speaking how can anyone have a problem with nipples? I mean we all exist because of them and yet women are not allowed to bare them in public in this country.
While traveling through Corsica one summer with my boyfriend I decided to go topless on the beach. I was never a shy person, growing up I always ran around nude… of course, until my boobs started to sprout.
At 20 I was not much different. I always enjoyed skinny-dipping in the local lake, or at pool parties. But, it was different the first time I unhooked my top in public on a crowded beach on the Mediterranean.
I remember thinking, as I stood there alone “what’s the big deal? Guys get to and in America I can’t, so I better take advantage.”
So, I did. It snapped my top open and I threw it over my neck. There I stood half-naked on the beach. Part of me expected some sort of commotion, because I had been raised in the States. Of course nothing happened and I parked my contented self in a nice little spot on the warm sand.
My boyfriend arrived shocked and declared “Ah oaui, t’es bonne comme ca!” in his Parisian vernacular. It was kind of laughable. I mean I must have been the only woman on the beach with white boobs…
It felt so nice to be free and open and not worry about people thinking it was some kind of sexual thing. The water feels better, the sun feels better, the wind, the sand, everything. That day we sipped on wine and discussed a whole array of topics from American attitudes toward nudity, toward sex, toward violence.

I felt sort of proud and evolved. I soaked it all up as I lay there topless on my back. The sand was relaxing and the sound of waves entrancing.
Twenty minutes later I sat up and realized I had burned my nipples since they had never been exposed to sun for prolonged periods… AIE!
Or how we say in America, OUCH!

*this is a repost from my old blog

Still no word

I'm so sad about this whole bike situation. I hold myself responsible but I still wish we could live in a world where people did not take things that didn't belong to them.

Ode to my bike :(

My bike was stolen.
And I want to cry,
but rather instead
I wish the theif to die. (maybe a bit dramatic)

I will hunt you down
And discover my bike.
I'm sure there are many
Who know what this feels like.

Please come home my dear
I miss you so already.
If you are enjoying your time away
At least come home when you are ready.









.

liberated.

I feel wonderful today. That is all.

Comedy

I have to put this out there. For any of you who enjoy a good laugh you should definitely check out the British comedy writes Mitchell and Webb. They do a show called Peep Show which is basically brilliant and they have a sketch comedy show called That Mitchell and Webb Look. It is a very different sort of breed of English humor, not as uncomfortable as Ricky Gervais but, enough to make you cringe from time to time.

emotional outburst

I am feeling particularly low this Valentine's day. Someone who I had a lot of respect for sent me a very cruel email. I reacted in a way that I am not proud of. I basically told him to get bent... which he deserves , yet it makes me unhappy with myself to have that kind of response. I should have just ignored it. Now I look like a jerk.

Happy Valentine's Day

It's that day again. Don't forget to call your mother.

The time I almost choked to death

About a week ago my friend Martin and I went to see Black Swan. It was great film and somehow on the drive home I suddenly remembered almost dying when I was a kid, something I had totally forgotten about. The memory once recalled was quite clear and vivid.
When I was about 3 or 4 years old I almost choked to death on a piece of hard candy. It was a week night I believe. Sometime around 7 o'clock. My friend Candice was over with her mom. She was my age. Her mom worked at the bank with my mom. They were both bank tellers.
I was sucking on a piece of candy. It was far too big. It was cherry flavor. It had the texture of a jawbreaker but instead of being spherical it was a heart. And it was red.
Candice must have given me the candy because my mother was not in the habit of giving us sweets.
I don't recall how I got it lodged in my trachea. I must have been sucking on it and laughing or talking. I was most likely giggling when it became stuck. All I know is it got stuck there and my brother noticed something was wrong. He told my mom that I wasn't breathing.
My mom dialed 911 on the yellow rotary phone we had on the wall in the kitchen. It sat inside a little phone booth framed into the wall and it had a little sill under it to hold any pens or pads of paper you would use to write messages or phone numbers. I remember how long it would take to dial the numbers. The fast clicks forward like a zipper and the slower clicks back until you could start on a new number.
My mom looked at me with terror and I remember standing next to the giant dark brown hosier my parents kept on that wall by the phone. I hated that hosier. it looked like a big monster of furniture to me. It was old a funky and we didn't see eye to eye. That hosier was ancient and didn't make sense to me. Why keep something so old and has drawers for sacks of flour and bins for grains? It was 1983 for Christ's sake.
It had these single pane glass windows in the cabinets. The kind of glass you could break if you just poked it a little to hard. That couldn't be safe.
My toes turned blue. My mom shouted on the phone. I don't recall exactly what she said but, she put the phone down at one point.
Happy Days was on TV in the other room. I remember hearing "Sunday Monday Happy Days" and kind of feeling like I was dizzy. I don't think I panicked.
When the human trachea gets obstructed deep enough the only way to expel the blockage is by putting pressure on the lungs, by way of pressing up on the diaphragm. In my case it was my mother who performed this task.
I remember the flavor of that piece of candy. I remember the shape and the way it glistened in the dim light of the kitchen as it shot across the room. It seemed to go on forever like it was floating. I don't think that candy broke when it hit the ground. 
I walked into the living room sat down and my friend Candice looked over at me and said "Hey Emilie. Look it's the Fonz!"

Tum Tum Tea Time

I'm inspired to create constantly. To live an examined life and to share my thoughts and feelings with you.

Welcome to Tum Tum Tea Time.

It's all about those little things that sometime go unappreciated or just forgotten. Those little things are what make life worth living and sometime worth struggling through. Too often we choose to filter out the good and focus too much on the bad. 

I was recently at a friend's home in Woodside and we were laughing and having a wonderful conversation and somehow the concept of making homemade mint tea for the tummy came up and I was suddenly struck by "Tum Tum Tea"..

I love tea and I love my friends and Tum Tum tea is somewhat like tea for the soul. That warm feeling you get from appreciating and seeing the beauty in your daily life without cynicism. That is priceless.