Frustration

I need to spend more time outside. Fuck it. You can use a pen. The laptop is killing you. Your creativity crushed by the offerings of the interwebs. Other people's thoughts take over. Distraction. Leading to procrastination. The death of your spirit. Sacrificed to entertainment. For what? A semi contented life of slavery to fashion and consumerism? Even when I am at my most entertained I feel the dark shadow of guilt wash over my mind every night when I lay down to sleep. Perhaps that explains why I often fall asleep with my laptop in bed beside me. Rocking my uneasy mind to sleep. For a time it works. It is routine. I am happy.
Then, the dreams come back. The nightmare begins and it all comes crashing down like a cliff over the dark sea that is my subconscious. It always has a way of beckoning me back to the stark realities that go ignored or undealt with. And then every night I fall over and over until I can't take it anymore. I reach for the smoke or the bottle to just pacify the cliffs of despair for just a little while. But the more I do the greater that cliff becomes. The sea of darkness grows ever deeper and its tide crashes ever harder against the rocks below. The the moon sets. There is no sun. The stars whir around, setting off total chaos in my universe. The cliff crashes violently into the oblivion. Several days pass. I almost drown. And only from a lack of swimming of which I am totally capable. I give in to the waves of obscurity and emptiness because they are all around me. Blinding me, calling to me. Strangling me. And although it is all too familiar it is a stranger to me. Fleeting and changing with time, becoming more powerful. More dangerous. Gaining on me.
There is a lighthouse though. And now I can see the bobbing boat tethered to the shore. The sun is rising and I can see that I am not far away. I wipe the water from my eyes and I can see blades of grass and small birds on the beach. They chirp and scurry about as they peck at small bugs on the sand. I smile and slowly make my way to the shore.
The shore is warm and welcoming. It holds me in its soft embrace. And I feel the warm light of the sun begin to give me hope again.