Ok. So the mourning period for my stolen Schwinn has at last passed. And though I will always have a special place in my heart for it, it was time to move on. No replacement mind you. This bike, though it gets me from point A and to point B, is not as special to me.
At least not yet.
I am sure at some point I will grow attached to this new ride.. as various fun and adventures are had atop it's saddle.
Welcome home bike. You're sleeping in the garage.. and though it's dark and cold back there. Someday you will be right at home.
Sunday, May 1, 2011
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Where do I go from here Universe?
Funny. I used to think of myself of some kind of intellectual with balls of steel. I see now how weak I have been. And something happened to me today among all the frightening and powerful anxiety I have been experiencing.. I finally asked for help. Not from any person but from the Universe. And not in a direct way. No it was just a thought, an idea that popped into my head. I then proceeded to take a nice shower and prepared for my trek across Redwood City. As I walked I draped my coat over my shoulder and at a reasonably steady pace made my way down Himmel Ave.
The sun was bright but not blinding. I felt exposed but didn't want to hide. I felt the world around me make sense as it had never previously. It was as if all that mindfulness meditation about living in the moment finally made sense to me. Existing with your surroundings. Not just the "me me me" mantra the we chant to ourselves without even realizing it.
And what if the ego really is my enemy? It cuases me to act impulsively. To desire things that I cannot have. Causes me stress when I don't get what I want. Anxiety. Depression. Somehow I think my psychiatrist won't believe me about all this. But, what if that is all it is?
The ego wants to separate us from ourselves and our surroundings. It is what drives us to do and say things that we can later regret. I have thought about this before but, it never quite stuck until today.
Where do I go from here Universe?
I just have to remember to live in the moment. After that everything will fall into place.
The sun was bright but not blinding. I felt exposed but didn't want to hide. I felt the world around me make sense as it had never previously. It was as if all that mindfulness meditation about living in the moment finally made sense to me. Existing with your surroundings. Not just the "me me me" mantra the we chant to ourselves without even realizing it.
And what if the ego really is my enemy? It cuases me to act impulsively. To desire things that I cannot have. Causes me stress when I don't get what I want. Anxiety. Depression. Somehow I think my psychiatrist won't believe me about all this. But, what if that is all it is?
The ego wants to separate us from ourselves and our surroundings. It is what drives us to do and say things that we can later regret. I have thought about this before but, it never quite stuck until today.
Where do I go from here Universe?
I just have to remember to live in the moment. After that everything will fall into place.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Frustration
I need to spend more time outside. Fuck it. You can use a pen. The laptop is killing you. Your creativity crushed by the offerings of the interwebs. Other people's thoughts take over. Distraction. Leading to procrastination. The death of your spirit. Sacrificed to entertainment. For what? A semi contented life of slavery to fashion and consumerism? Even when I am at my most entertained I feel the dark shadow of guilt wash over my mind every night when I lay down to sleep. Perhaps that explains why I often fall asleep with my laptop in bed beside me. Rocking my uneasy mind to sleep. For a time it works. It is routine. I am happy.
Then, the dreams come back. The nightmare begins and it all comes crashing down like a cliff over the dark sea that is my subconscious. It always has a way of beckoning me back to the stark realities that go ignored or undealt with. And then every night I fall over and over until I can't take it anymore. I reach for the smoke or the bottle to just pacify the cliffs of despair for just a little while. But the more I do the greater that cliff becomes. The sea of darkness grows ever deeper and its tide crashes ever harder against the rocks below. The the moon sets. There is no sun. The stars whir around, setting off total chaos in my universe. The cliff crashes violently into the oblivion. Several days pass. I almost drown. And only from a lack of swimming of which I am totally capable. I give in to the waves of obscurity and emptiness because they are all around me. Blinding me, calling to me. Strangling me. And although it is all too familiar it is a stranger to me. Fleeting and changing with time, becoming more powerful. More dangerous. Gaining on me.
There is a lighthouse though. And now I can see the bobbing boat tethered to the shore. The sun is rising and I can see that I am not far away. I wipe the water from my eyes and I can see blades of grass and small birds on the beach. They chirp and scurry about as they peck at small bugs on the sand. I smile and slowly make my way to the shore.
The shore is warm and welcoming. It holds me in its soft embrace. And I feel the warm light of the sun begin to give me hope again.
Then, the dreams come back. The nightmare begins and it all comes crashing down like a cliff over the dark sea that is my subconscious. It always has a way of beckoning me back to the stark realities that go ignored or undealt with. And then every night I fall over and over until I can't take it anymore. I reach for the smoke or the bottle to just pacify the cliffs of despair for just a little while. But the more I do the greater that cliff becomes. The sea of darkness grows ever deeper and its tide crashes ever harder against the rocks below. The the moon sets. There is no sun. The stars whir around, setting off total chaos in my universe. The cliff crashes violently into the oblivion. Several days pass. I almost drown. And only from a lack of swimming of which I am totally capable. I give in to the waves of obscurity and emptiness because they are all around me. Blinding me, calling to me. Strangling me. And although it is all too familiar it is a stranger to me. Fleeting and changing with time, becoming more powerful. More dangerous. Gaining on me.
There is a lighthouse though. And now I can see the bobbing boat tethered to the shore. The sun is rising and I can see that I am not far away. I wipe the water from my eyes and I can see blades of grass and small birds on the beach. They chirp and scurry about as they peck at small bugs on the sand. I smile and slowly make my way to the shore.
The shore is warm and welcoming. It holds me in its soft embrace. And I feel the warm light of the sun begin to give me hope again.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Spring
Yesterday I wandered around Redwood City all day with a gentleman friend of mine. It was so lovely to spend so much time outdoors after so many months of hiding under awnings and dashing around in the rain. Flip flops are not the best shoes for walking all over town in but, it felt good to have my toes exposed to the warm heat of the sun.
We walked to the thrift store and rummaged around in the treasures of other people's forgotten junk. I wondered about whether I really needed any more stuff to weigh me down. I've become really good at talking myself out of buying things especially clothes. It must serve a purpose or it's dead weight.
After the hobo-depot*, we ended up checking out some graffiti under the 101 and wandering around in what was some makeshift lodgings for the homeless of Redwood City. I found myself choosing my steps very carefully as I had, as I mentioned before, chosen to warm my toes in the skimpy protection of sandals. Among the wreckage of the sleeping rough, we found a upside down table and a sign that said "State Property" "no lodging". I wondered to myself if the State actually expected anyone to obey this sign. As if desperate people, citizens of the world if not this country, who were in such a place in their lives that they would consider sleeping under the freeway, were to be expected to somehow respect this request. If these lost persons (persons in the legal sense) weren't the casualties of war or lack of social funding for state mental institutions they were most likely lost to the recession. The economy in shambles, people losing their jobs and their homes due to our society's greed and want of cheap goods have left so many people with out jobs and in the shadows.. what to do? Let's criminalize poverty! That's seems to be the end all solution to all of our problems isn't it? And look how wonderfully it's worked in the war on drugs. Let's criminalize everything and send everyone to prison. That will make for a nice happy society where justice prevails.
*not my word.
We walked to the thrift store and rummaged around in the treasures of other people's forgotten junk. I wondered about whether I really needed any more stuff to weigh me down. I've become really good at talking myself out of buying things especially clothes. It must serve a purpose or it's dead weight.
After the hobo-depot*, we ended up checking out some graffiti under the 101 and wandering around in what was some makeshift lodgings for the homeless of Redwood City. I found myself choosing my steps very carefully as I had, as I mentioned before, chosen to warm my toes in the skimpy protection of sandals. Among the wreckage of the sleeping rough, we found a upside down table and a sign that said "State Property" "no lodging". I wondered to myself if the State actually expected anyone to obey this sign. As if desperate people, citizens of the world if not this country, who were in such a place in their lives that they would consider sleeping under the freeway, were to be expected to somehow respect this request. If these lost persons (persons in the legal sense) weren't the casualties of war or lack of social funding for state mental institutions they were most likely lost to the recession. The economy in shambles, people losing their jobs and their homes due to our society's greed and want of cheap goods have left so many people with out jobs and in the shadows.. what to do? Let's criminalize poverty! That's seems to be the end all solution to all of our problems isn't it? And look how wonderfully it's worked in the war on drugs. Let's criminalize everything and send everyone to prison. That will make for a nice happy society where justice prevails.
*not my word.
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Lately
When I first set this blog up I thought I'd really be good at posting everyday and that it'd keep me writing/creating daily and sharing it with others. This has been a tough hurdle for me to overcome and as you can tell by my scarce posting, I have yet to cross that bridge.
Time for tea.
Time for tea.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
speechless
To be honest I've been somewhat speechless since Friday. I don't .. I will get back when I have wrapped my brain around this.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
sometimes
Sometimes I can't think of anything to say so I just don't say anything at all.
Makes me kind of laugh because I've always been known as a chatty person. People even scoff when they hear me say that I am shy. I'm supposed to be this clown or some kind of jerk that never is meant to be taken seriously. Part of that is my fault. I tend to use humor as a defense mechanism.
I like to isolate. I hide from people even in plain sight. I have my social butterfly persona which allows me to meet and interact with people on a very base level. This is not always apparent to other people as they tend to think that because I am so social I must be this confident outgoing person. In some ways I am but, when you really look at it .. I'm sort of a mime. A mime that talks. Not some sad clown or anything but, I go through the motions and I don't fake interest in other people. No. It's not that. I am interested in you but, in all honesty I am terrified of you knowing who I am.
Makes me kind of laugh because I've always been known as a chatty person. People even scoff when they hear me say that I am shy. I'm supposed to be this clown or some kind of jerk that never is meant to be taken seriously. Part of that is my fault. I tend to use humor as a defense mechanism.
I like to isolate. I hide from people even in plain sight. I have my social butterfly persona which allows me to meet and interact with people on a very base level. This is not always apparent to other people as they tend to think that because I am so social I must be this confident outgoing person. In some ways I am but, when you really look at it .. I'm sort of a mime. A mime that talks. Not some sad clown or anything but, I go through the motions and I don't fake interest in other people. No. It's not that. I am interested in you but, in all honesty I am terrified of you knowing who I am.
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